• Dating Stories 20.12.2008

    The past couple of weeks I have been falling in love again. It’s been a while. I’ve been dating and having some really good times with several women, but one has really caught my heart of late. She is great, fun and oh so beautiful. She has the look that keeps me gazing at her. Today I am reminded of some of the down sides of falling in love, it hurts sometimes.

    I’ve been noticing the signs and symptoms of falling love again. I find myself thinking about her all the time; at work, in the car, when I go to sleep at night, even when I’m with another girl on a date, I think of her all the time. When we are together I get silly, we have fun and even tickle each other. I want to have sex with her all the time, but I don’t only want to have sex with her, I have fun just being with her. I enjoy seeing here and long to hold her hand, I want more of her, and I don’t want to share her. Okay, yeah, there is the warm feeling in chest too. When she sends me an email with a few simple words she can make my heart melt. I feel my heart beat harder and bit faster, I’m excited, infatuated, and falling quickly. There have been many more signs too, but you get the idea.

    With this desire to posses her, to have her heart, I want her to want me exclusively, I remember some of the bad sides of love. I remember what it’s like to get jealous, and have trust issues arise. I have read a lot about jealousy, and I often equate it insecurity, and other issues. I remind myself that I need to make myself more self confidant and not worry about it. Work on my own self image issues and that will help with the jealousy and insecurity, but it’s more than that. I repeat to myself, I am a great person, and I will always be getting better and better, if she doesn’t want to be with just me, then she is not worthy of my love, if she lies or cheats or decides she wants someone else, then it was not meant to be, blah blah blah.

    Certainly that is true, but just because something is logical and makes sense, doesn’t mean that the heart and emotions agree or even cooperate with these truths. I know some of my issues come from past relationships, and experience has taught me that people are good at breaking hearts, lieing and cheating, so be careful. But being careful with my heart does not seem to be an easy job. It seems that when I want to protect my feelings and not get too emotionally involved, things go fine for a while, but falling in love is uncontrollable sometimes it just happens, and often for me, it happens that I fall in love with the wrong girl, or wrong type of girl, but what if she IS the one, what if I can give her my heart and we can be happy with each other.

    So the battle between the heart and mind ensues, the battle between good feeling emotions and the remembrance of bad feeling emotions. She has been honest with me, so I guess I am on this roller coaster again. There have been so many times in life when I said I would not fall in love again, I would not allow myself to become vulnerable to the pain that can come from broken trust when I fall in love with another, I was doing good with that self promise. I was throwing myself into work and not getting caught up too emotionally with the girls I was dating, in fact I realize now that I have been choosing women that are not available for exclusive relations, how did this happen?

    Part of me wants to think that fate or God has placed this relationship in my life right now, some great lessons about making myself better and getting motivated to excel rather than live on my laurels. Then that part makes me wonder if the lesson is all about losing myself and what it’s like to be hurt and sad and life wants to hit me upside the head again for falling too far, asking me why I haven’t learned my lesson after all these other failed situations. Oh who knows. More on this later.

    Posted by Steven @ 7:28 am for Dating Stories |

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