So I’m in falling for a girl that has kids from a previous relationship, and for the first time I find myself in a dating situation that I have no idea the proper way to handle. What is the proper etiquette for dating a girl with kids? The only thing I have to go by is a few lines in Jerry McGuire and an episode of weeds.
Anyways, the situation that threw for a loop…
So we have the first date where the kids will be joining us for dinner. I’m totally cool with this, I really like her a lot. I want to get her something, and by the time I get to find something for her, the flower shops are closed, so I stop by walgreens thinking I can get something there. Chocolate. She likes chocolate, and damn it is hard to find chocolate and coconut. Anyways, while looking through all the chocolate options I see a christmas pack with 6 pez candy dispensers and it makes me think, should I get something for the kids too?
Would that be weird? Inappropriate? Would this make it look like I am trying to buy the affection of the kids? Would it be wrong not to get something for the kids?
I was stumped. I stood there an wondered. I actually had people at the store asking me if I needed help finding anything, but I couldn’t ask them what would be right.
I decided to go with a nice box of chocolate in a pretty package, but now I wonder in the future should I consider getting something for the kids?
Dating a milf is much more complicated that I imagined. Now I am wondering about all kinds of other things that could be coming up in this relationship. Are there any experts advising on this issue?
3 Comments to "Dating a girl with kids – what is proper when MILF dating"
Found a few books that may help with your issues and concern about dating a single mom. I am glad that you have taken the time to consider these things, many men are not as sensitive to issues like these.
Books with similar subject material I found on amazon:
Mom, There’s a man in the kitchen wearing your robe – Single Mother’s Guide to Dating Well without Parenting Poorly
Sex and the Single Parent (Paperback)
and this book may be more geared toward the mom who is looking to start dating – there may be some helpful information for ya to consider within:
Sex And the Single Mom: The Essential Guide to Dating, Mating And Relating (Paperback)
It’s only been a couple of months, and I have not had to face some of the challenges that I expect will come with dating a girl with kids from a previous relationship, but I have had a few situations to contend with that are new to me.
First off, she has to have contact with previous lovers, if nothing else to coordinate things with the kids. Sometimes she has to take one of the kids to the baby daddy for visitation, and spend time there with him. This is a strange issue for me. I am friends with many ex’s and I do not ask current lovers to disconnect completely with people from their intimate past, but there is a relationship there that makes me wonder many things. When she spends time with the ex, I wonder if the whole kid bond thing will come up and add to the magnetism of a previous lover. I also wonder if she would share thoughts about us with him, and if he will try to use timing of any weakness in our relationship to try to play some kind of let’s get back and things will be better for the kids kind of thing. I suppose this would be different if the ex was hated, or dead, so it may not be an issue that would be dealt with in all milf relationships.
Second, she has to talk to the previous guys in her life, if nothing else for the kids, but does she have to talk about them? I wonder if I do this. I guess I have, I have been called out by other lovers for talking about old flames, I just wonder if there is a different jealousy dynamic going on because she has kids with this other guy.
Third, time. There is less time for us to be together, less time to talk on the phone (a positive thing for many guys, but with this girl, I want to talk to her more). Even when we do talk on the phone, often times we can’t get through a whole paragraph without kids in the background interrupting. I am not hating on the kids thing, I actually think it’s cute hearing her kids. I like the fact that she is a mom already too, it makes me realize that if we had kids she would know what to do, but there are issues dating a girl with a kid that I have not dealt with before. These are just a few of them.
I have yet to get into a relationship with the kids, I have heard from a good friend, who dated a girl with kids before they got married, that once he was over and the kids came out from thier rooms that there was a whole introduction and new friend kind of thing. That started a whole new relationship with kids.
I imagine there are psychological issues to be considered for the children, and how one acts around the kids with their mother. I have one girl that tells me not to show physical affection to her if the kids are around. Hmmm.
Certainly there are many more issues that are unique to dating a girl with kids. More on this later. Perhaps we should write a book about this.
Dear Adult Friend,
Wow…you certainly have thrown a ton of issues up here! First off, I would echo sentiment expressed above that AT LEAST YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT IT!
It would take up too much space for me to reveal all of the intricacies of my situation, so I’ll focus on the ones pertinent to this setting. I am a twice-divorced fifty-year-old daddy and still spend over half of my time with my two youngest children (11 & 13). My lady companion/lover has a two-year-old daughter.
First, let me address the “spending time at baby daddy” thing. In my situation, it is I who spends time at babies mama house. It is just the way it has been since our divorce. Fortunately, my lover has been very genuinely understanding and supportive. [I have been brutally honest about my past experiences with the ex…including a prior desire and attempt to reconcile.] One of the first things that we discussed included a “declaration” on my part that I would not sacrifice my obligation to my children for *anything*, and that I would not have anything to do with a woman who was less than attentive to her maternal obligations. For the first time in my life, I have seen that this issue hinges not so much on the jealously issue, but rather on trust. If you do not enjoy a firm foundational trust, or high reliability factor, in your relationship, then these matters will tear you up.
There is NOTHING wrong with the desire and/or need to trust the person in whose hands you are “placing your heart.” I struggled with what I thought (and, OH, was I told!) were “jealousy issues” for decades before I realized that there was simply a lack of trust. This usually involved my ignoring a bunch of red flags flapping in the breeze indicating breaches of trust. I was “in love” and suffering from the proverbial blindness. Look. IF she’s going to “go back” to her old, old-man, she’s going to do it. You’d have to kill her…or him to keep it from happening if that’s what’s in the cards. And homicide is not the answer. If you don’t trust her, and there are reasons for it, I would say that you might want to take a look at that instead of beating yourself over the head for “being jealous.”
As for talking to her other exes “for the kids,” this would tend to indicate to me that quite a bit of emotional enmeshment exists…probably as much for mommy as for the kids. [But I’m just guessing here.] Which brings another point up. That old “I’m doing it for the kids. I have to take care of my kids!” was one of the red flags that I was blind to. I mean, hey, who can argue with that one, right? It’s like “You want me to spend ALL of my time with YOU!? I have to work! What do you expect!?” Usually when you’re facing these types of retorts, there is some sort of undercurrent flowing.
Change is NOT easy. Everyone experiences some stress with change. For some it is minimal, for others it is downright debilitating. Experience has shown me that those who are debilitated by change have some deep issues that are affecting their ability to cope and move forward. If your MILF [God, I hate that acronym!] is having trouble letting go of the past, it means that there is some (at least perceived) benefit there for her. It took me a LONG, LONG time to realize that PEOPLE DO WHAT THEY WANT TO DO. When we are able, we do the things that we WANT to do…the things that WE think we need to do. There is no arguing with it. Unless you want to be her master and she is willing to be your slave, you will not change her actions. If you can cope and grow while she is doing things that make you uneasy, then do it. If you can’t, then move on.
If she is not devoting sufficient time to you–on the phone or whatever–because of the kids, stop, take a deep breath, and ask your self: What are my options? You’re going to tough it out–tooth gritting style–or find a better way. Obsession is a bitch. Spread the love. Find something to do with your self (no pun intended) when your baby is too busy babying her babies to baby you. Wahhhhhh!
Gold and diamonds cost a figurative arm and a leg because digging them out of the earth and getting them to your local jeweler costs literal arms and legs…and sometimes lives. You are digging for gold and precious stones in tricky, old mines with rickety timbers. Study. Talk. Research. Find some folks to talk to (as in FACE TO FACE). You all will NOT get through this without REAL, personal support. You both have issues. The kids are wonderful little people. Their presence, her struggles, your difficulties with it all, etc. are all symptoms. Find your cure.
Catch ya ’round! Peace…